Monday, September 24, 2007

Breakdown #1

These always happen when I'm by myself.

I've spent almost a week, since last Wednesday, in silence. Well, in as much silence as I could be in. Lots of thoughts began to rise to the surface: becoming/being a father, my wife's health and ability to go through delivery as strong, safe, and normal as possible, Brodee going through labor and delivery as strong, safe, and normal as possible; our upcoming move, transition, new job, new church, new friends, new home; my past...enough said. To say I'm scared is completely understated!! I'm scared I don't want to move: physically, spiritually, emotionally. I can't really sleep, it comes in 30 mins to an hour spurts. So with all of that, I finally broke down this morning.

It was the funniest thing. There I was, cleaning my office after packing it up and moving shelving, curriculum, signage, and equipment to the pulpit minister's office. I, as previously mentioned, was silence, listening to my thoughts and what I understood God was telling me (more on that later). It started as choking up: I'm saying good-bye to my best friends and people who have become family to me. Then It became a slow-but-steady stream of tears: I'm leaving what has been a healing place for me in ministry...still difficult at times, but nonetheless a healing place and a safe place. Then with all the thoughts of parenthood and the new, the unknown, the uncontrollable...I began to weep, I really lost it! Trust me, you would've laughed out loud and pointed at me...the Sissy. I know that some readers are waiting for me to screw up...because that's what I am to them, and I know that that day is coming. To others this blog is a waste because they know that with God, Neena, and other friends that we'll (Neena and I) be great parents...after all God hand-made Brodee just for us.

I'm really just rambling now because I DON'T KNOW...and that scares me to no end.

I have dependency/trust issues. Those are my greatnes weaknesses. It's very hard for me to say, "OK LORD, here I am...all that you've made, and everything I have: past, present, and future, are yours. Where do you need me?" I'd rather say, "OK lord (notice that its not in all caps), here I am...and here's where I'm going, here's what I think will work...any questions?" I don't do well with unknowns. I like lists and explicit, detailed, instructions: i.e. Brodee should come with a step by step manual. I won't read it at first, but should I get in a bind...there should be detailed instructions on how to unwind my mishaps. Someone, in control, should tell me that Neena's going to be OK, not just during labor/delivery, but every time she says "have a good day" and walks out the door. My job should come with a life-time guarantee: Josh, you're Westover's new HS minister...if you'll take care of X, Y, and Z you'll have a paid position, and be well loved, taken care of, and secure until YOU're ready to leave many MANY years from now.

I recognize that I'm beyond stressed. I've reached a precursory breaking point that has alerted me..."Um, Josh. You may want to back off a tiny bit. Slow down, and breathe. You're doing too much and your body is not used to it...yet."

I believe to be hearing God, in the deep end of the pool looking up at the high-dive...arms stretched out, assured look on his face, saying, "It's OK Joshua I created you for such a time as this...JUMP! I'm right here and I will CATCH you." I, on the other hand, am clinging...white-knuckled to the ladder of the high dive, knees-a-knockin', heart-a-poundin' saying, "ARE YOU NUTS?!?!"

So, just wanted to let you know that I lost it today. I'm scarred. I would like for one of you to walk down my road, scout it out, and return assuring me that all is well and looks very good. So, who's up for it?

Seriously, thanks for listening. Prayers are welcomed!


Blogger Crysty said...

you are a braver person than bear your heart on your blog like that, I am in awe of your honesty.

I don't have any wise words for you and anything that I could say for comfort I believe you already know...but what I can say is you and your family are in my constant prayers, and I know that I am just one of the many many others that are coming before the LORD on your behalf during this exciting and scary time of change.

We love you...

p.s. just to make you laugh real fast there are parts of the NEW David Crowder cd that sound like Mario Brothers (on Nintendo) sound effects. Its great. :)

September 24, 2007 at 3:30 PM  
Blogger Ashhog said...

Wow! You're blog brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry I do not have any wise words for you either. My husband and I are in the same boat though and I feel the same way you do about all these new things and all the unknowns. I will be praying for all of you!

September 25, 2007 at 7:53 AM  
Blogger Marta said...

There aren't really any words I can give that will make those fears go away... welcome to parenthood! :) Just know this: we're lifting you, Neena and Brodee up in prayer regularly. We've been where you are and we empathize 100%! Praying for a healthy labor and delivery for you all (yes, for you too, you may not be doing the physical work but you'll be doing a lot of work nonetheless!), a safe move to Austin and A LOT of peace throughout it all! We love your sweet family and can't wait to see you in person SOON!!! :)

September 25, 2007 at 9:32 AM  
Blogger The Shirley's said...

I cannot imagine the overwhelming feelings that y'all are having at this moment. I keep checking the baby countdown on Neena's blog and today it says 16 days. It's so close and there's so many changes that are going to happen so quickly... I admire y'all for taking it all on. I am praying the Lord will calm your fears and make the paths smooth for this incredible journey. Love y'all so much!

September 25, 2007 at 5:51 PM  
Blogger D.L. White said...

Thank you for your honesty and being so transparent in this blog. My heart resonated with your fears. I too, ache sometimes to have everything spelled out for me. I know God's in control - I just wish he'd let me peek at the flight plan occasionally. ha ha Anyway - try to get some rest while you can - after Brodee is here...well, you know! :P

September 25, 2007 at 11:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember bringing Karina home. Mama and Daddy had come - then Mama left. I remember looking at Karina and thinking - here is the incredibly beautiful precious baby girl - a blank chalk board - what will be written on that board? I wept. She's 32 now, and I don't know everything that is there, but I know not all of it is beautiful - as I was her mother in all of my past, in all of Karina's and my presents, and the future. [I'm losing it, now.:)]And then my incredibly handsome precious baby boy came - Mama and Daddy left - the same question. He'll be 27 on Oct.14, and I don't know everything that is there, but I know not all of it is beautiful - as I was his mother in all of my past, in all of Justin's and my presents, and the future. [I'm still losing it.:)] Josh, BY GOD'S GRACE, they are who they are - even though they now have their pasts with me. Being aware of our pasts, presents, and our future, know God is here - even when I screwed up beyond compare - Karina and Justin are precious children of God - with a very flawed mom. "For I know the plans I have for Josh, Neena, and Brodee..."

Love you,

September 27, 2007 at 7:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Josh, it will be ok. After rearing two daughters, working with 5 churches over 38 years, and dealing with life, I'm here to tell you that you are not in control, never have been in control, and never will be in control. But God is. It is just that He works under His own time table for your benefit. So you can relax. The alternative will not work anyway. The Voice of Experience.

October 10, 2007 at 8:01 AM  

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