Breakdown #1

These always happen when I'm by myself.

I've spent almost a week, since last Wednesday, in silence. Well, in as much silence as I could be in. Lots of thoughts began to rise to the surface: becoming/being a father, my wife's health and ability to go through delivery as strong, safe, and normal as possible, Brodee going through labor and delivery as strong, safe, and normal as possible; our upcoming move, transition, new job, new church, new friends, new home; my past...enough said. To say I'm scared is completely understated!! I'm petrified...so scared I don't want to move: physically, spiritually, emotionally. I can't really sleep, it comes in 30 mins to an hour spurts. So with all of that, I finally broke down this morning.

It was the funniest thing. There I was, cleaning my office after packing it up and moving shelving, curriculum, signage, and equipment to the pulpit minister's office. I, as previously mentioned, was alone...in silence, listening to my thoughts and what I understood God was telling me (more on that later). It started as choking up: I'm saying good-bye to my best friends and people who have become family to me. Then It became a slow-but-steady stream of tears: I'm leaving what has been a healing place for me in ministry...still difficult at times, but nonetheless a healing place and a safe place. Then with all the thoughts of parenthood and the new, the unknown, the uncontrollable...I began to weep, I really lost it! Trust me, you would've laughed out loud and pointed at me...the Sissy. I know that some readers are waiting for me to screw up...because that's what I am to them, and I know that that day is coming. To others this blog is a waste because they know that with God, Neena, and other friends that we'll (Neena and I) be great parents...after all God hand-made Brodee just for us.

I'm really just rambling now because I DON'T KNOW...and that scares me to no end.

I have dependency/trust issues. Those are my greatnes weaknesses. It's very hard for me to say, "OK LORD, here I am...all that you've made, and everything I have: past, present, and future, are yours. Where do you need me?" I'd rather say, "OK lord (notice that its not in all caps), here I am...and here's where I'm going, here's what I think will work...any questions?" I don't do well with unknowns. I like lists and explicit, detailed, instructions: i.e. Brodee should come with a step by step manual. I won't read it at first, but should I get in a bind...there should be detailed instructions on how to unwind my mishaps. Someone, in control, should tell me that Neena's going to be OK, not just during labor/delivery, but every time she says "have a good day" and walks out the door. My job should come with a life-time guarantee: Josh, you're Westover's new HS minister...if you'll take care of X, Y, and Z you'll have a paid position, and be well loved, taken care of, and secure until YOU're ready to leave many MANY years from now.

I recognize that I'm beyond stressed. I've reached a precursory breaking point that has alerted me..."Um, Josh. You may want to back off a tiny bit. Slow down, and breathe. You're doing too much and your body is not used to it...yet."

I believe to be hearing God, in the deep end of the pool looking up at the high-dive...arms stretched out, assured look on his face, saying, "It's OK Joshua I created you for such a time as this...JUMP! I'm right here and I will CATCH you." I, on the other hand, am clinging...white-knuckled to the ladder of the high dive, knees-a-knockin', heart-a-poundin' saying, "ARE YOU NUTS?!?!"

So, just wanted to let you know that I lost it today. I'm scarred. I would like for one of you to walk down my road, scout it out, and return assuring me that all is well and looks very good. So, who's up for it?

Seriously, thanks for listening. Prayers are welcomed!